Just Thinking

What does it take to gain understanding?

I really want to spread the importance of understanding. I believe that it is the key to building a unified community. We leave so much of ourselves in the dark for a number of reasons including but not limited to trust, anxiety, and fear.

Fear is a big one in my case.

I can't tell you how long I've wanted someone to understand me or be willing to get to know me in spite of my flaws. It's just hard to get people to get you and even though it's frustrating, I get it. It's not like I haven't been in situations where people have tried to get me to understand but I couldn't or wouldn't try to. I just didn't want to believe them because in the moment I made it all about me and not them. I feared who I truly was because I felt that who I was, at that moment wasn't good enough. Probably because of my fear of abandonment. I think.

And maybe that's it? The key to understanding. Maybe it's just about trying to understand oneself. Like, why do I really do the things that I do? What don't I understand? Why don't I try to? What makes me tick?

At least, I think that's it. I guess. I don't know.

How does knowing oneself help me to know others? How will I know others? Is it even possible? Will I never be able to figure people out? Will I ever be able to fully figure myself out? Who am I exactly?

Dammit! I have to understand.

But I don't. At least, I think I don't. Or maybe I do? To an extent.

Let's see.

I like to write. I read, sometimes. I like music. Can't dance but I like to watch others perform. Theatre? Maybe. I definitely enjoyed my minimal time in theatre production. The arts? Am I a man who enjoys the theatrics of life? Perhaps? Should I explore? Maybe. I just wouldn't know what to look for. I mean, would I want to see any production? If yes, does the production have to align with my views and beliefs or am I one of those people who likes to have an open mind?

I don't know.

I like playing card games. Pretty much open to playing any of them. Maybe I should create my own card game? Maybe. But how would I go about doing that? Can't draw. My illustrations can barely conjure up stick figures. Definitely going to need artists.

Hmmm....so what to do. What to do, indeed?

I don't know.

Perhaps creating a card game isn't the place to start but maybe I'll end up there. So then what?

Well, I like teaching. In fact, I love teaching. It makes me happy. It's the spot I feel where I can be the most creative version of me while fueling my humanitarian spirit. Plus, I am getting ready to start classes that'll eventually get me a degree in English.

Hmmm....decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

So many questions. So much of myself I have yet to explore. And perhaps it's time to. I've been so afraid to take risks. So afraid of having to face more rejection. So afraid to keep feeling like I'll never be enough.

I am enough. That's what I need to keep telling myself.

I AM ENOUGH!!!!

Afterall if I want to understand, I must gain knowledge. I must experience life. Meet new people. Become definitive in my identity. Realize that no matter how big my ideas may seem, I can do them. I must get myself to the place where I know that I am enough. Then and maybe then I will come to understand people with the purpose of bringing us together.