Introduction to Hue: Part 2

The Time Traveler

What drives a person?

That’s the question that always comes to mind when I meet new and interesting people. Especially, the people who stir up romantic feelings. I must learn all there is to know so that I may better serve and love them. Through trials and tribulations, I came to realize that my behavior can seem obsessive and intrusive if I’m not mindful.

From those who have experienced this side of me they couldn’t comprehend my need to know almost everything about them. I was told that I made them uncomfortable and there was even a time that someone thought I saw them as a god because of my unwavering desire to please them.

These were startling revelations. I never intended for any of my actions to come off as weird and undesirable. I just wanted to prove my love but from their perspective it’s not how I came across.

To be fair, in most cases I wasn’t aware of what drove me. As I mentioned earlier, trial and error helped me to grow. As a result, I matured into a person who began to reflect on my experiences and figure out why my relationships, especially the romantic ones, never worked out.

My conclusion?

Lack of understanding.

Stepping into these relationships I have come to realize that I had expectations, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing when directed at oneself. However, when directed at others it places an unnecessary burden on their shoulders while undermining their right to just be themselves.

At the end of the day, I think that we all want to love and be loved. For many of us, the concept of love eludes us. We enter into unwritten pacts with people unsure of what we really want. We hide behind a curtain of emotions that we allow to dictate our actions. Like, “Oh, I don’t know why you just won’t have sex with me, the energy you’re releasing tells me that you want it” or “I don’t understand why you don’t treat me the same way that I treat you” or “Hey, I’m sorry for putting my hands on you but you had it coming because you didn’t do what I expected” or “Why do you allow me to treat you so poorly,” or even something as simple as “Why won’t you love me?”

For many of us what we see as love is really control.

More accurately we want to control or be controlled because we crave acceptance.

At some point in our lives, for many of us, we were put into situations that bought about a victimized mentality. We suffered and we lost a lot due to our mental anguish. In the places where love existed all we see now is fear. Where we could spot the truth all we can see now is the lie. We stood tall and proud in our identity and now we are lost, hoping to find a reason, to find a purpose for being.

Then there are those of us who grew up believing in religious ideations. We hold steadfast to those beliefs and want others to hop on our bandwagon. We fear that if others do not share our faith, then they are spiritually doomed and, in other cases, we fear that we may be wrong and view others as enemies for that possibility.

So, what does any of this have to do with my mission to discover the meaning of life?

Well, before we get into some of my adventures, I believe it's important for you, the reader, to know what motivates me. What is it that drives me to pursue the meaning of life?

In a nutshell, it’s an eagerness to understand and to create an environment of understanding. It’s just best to ‘know’ than to ‘guess’ or ‘assume’.

Even though I came on strong in my relationships, I didn’t do so maliciously. I just wanted to feel like I mattered, like I belonged. My fear of abandonment amplified those feelings. On the other end, even though I can’t speak for others, I believe that those who I dealt with wanted the same thing. We just couldn’t communicate well enough due to our inhibitions and preconceived notions.

With that being said, I am going on a journey of self-discovery and self-healing, and I want to bring you, the reader, along for the ride. Through my story we will be delving into many topics of interest which include themes evolved around acceptance. I will be opening the floodgates to create a space in the comment section where we can openly have discussions with the goal of being able to understand one another. I want us to be able to let go of our inhibitions and preconceived notions and open ourselves up to the realm of possibilities to overcome the demons that have been holding us back. We all have our own stories. We all come from what has been to what is and to what will be.

So, put some time to the side every other Friday, starting the 30th of August. Throw a bag of kettle corn in the microwave. Invite some friends to join in as we begin this journey with my origin story that starts with introducing you to the source of my gifts. A crystallized rock known as manipo.